Man, everything has been so frustrating lately. “I got robbed by a sweet old lady in a motorized cart!” For starters.  Minus the motorized cart. Also had the pleasure of having 2 mini surgeries, in a 4 day span, last friday, and again on tuesday, which I have to pay for.  That was almost as enjoyable as being robbed.

Also my addiction to cuteness slowly has me wasting away. Well, that and coffee. I’m starting to wonder how unhealthy it all really is. I’ve also been glued to the tv watching that bitch Casey Anthony’s trial. I’ve been so idle and it sucks. I actually had a day where I had nothing to think about, and so I did the math, and realized my 17 year old cat has cost $20k+ in friskies turkey and cheese over the years, since that’s all he eats. 20k….. still can’t believe that. But yeah, also have to say thank you to two of my favorite people in the world, Dan and Richard. Thank you for everything. I would have sank like the titanic without you.

Lastly, for the shop – lots of new stuffs was added recently. I’m really obsessing over these ‘MocMoc‘ girls , they’re just too cute I want to eat them all. Seeing how well they sell before we decide to put some in a giveaway or up on our auctions on listia.

Anyhoo, that’s about it I’m still lazy.

Though upon doing the blood tests and tissue samples and what not, it was discovered literally on Thanksgiving, that she had cancer. That day she had an emergency operation because of heavy bleeding. Up until recently, we have been waiting to have her get a full procedure to remove the organ that is mostly affected by the cancer, however it is done by a “robot“, and we had to get put on await list as there’s only one here in Colorado, and it’s located in Denver fortunately.

Fast forward to last week, she finally got the surgery on Valentine’s day , and so far everything is wonderful, minus the pain. She came home thursday, and I’m really excited about having someone to baby lol. She will go back in 2 weeks to go through some more testing now that the problematic organ is removed, to see if theres any signs the cancer has spread elsewhere and just double check. They need to test her bones now, they’re 99% sure there’s no cancer in any other tissue in her body, but again, haven’t tested her actual bones. It was the best cancer she could have gotten really, however with the abuse she’s given to her own body over the past few decades is cause for concern, considering this was found on accident, and we’re still not really sure how long it has been manifesting, and are alarmed at how urgent the surgery was recommended. Hoping for the best!

I got some really cute stuff for valentines Day! You can probably see better if you click the image above. I got an adorable Broncos shirt and a new bag to cart around my shipping stuffs .  Another thingy but I’m not going to say what it is. Also I got this adorable heart shaped live bamboo plant from my mom, which I’m still puzzled as to how she managed to bring it back with her in her luggage,   isn’t it cuuute??

Other stuffs. LoveDrop! I love these guys, Nate and J$ from lovedrop have organized a micro-giving monthly donation to families in need. Our shop is working with them in monthly donations to the kids in each family which you can read about Here on the shop’s blog if you like. Seriously if you can give anything, please give it, it’s not some huge gimmick with a lot of these companies. These guys do everything personally, and on film, so you know your gifts or money is going to a great place and is really helping people. If all you can spare is a quarter, it’s something! That’s the beauty of micro-giving. So please if you have the time and are able, it would be wonderful of you.

Lastly, the latest giveaway is ( finally ) up on Cute-Stuffs. Really sorry about the delays with everything, but as explained above, it’s been a very exhausting month for everyone. Christine, my partner in crime that I run the shop with, is the biological daughter of my “mom”, so it’s been stressful all the way around for us, but we did take care of everything that needed to be done, far as keeping up with orders etc. Just “fun stuffs” was on hold a little bit, and may continue to be a little slow in the coming months, but we’re hoping not.

Anyway, I hope everyone had fun over the holidays and junk, take care!

An update on the foreclosure is in order, I suppose, since I’ve done nothing but whine about it for the past couple months. Still have quite a few things that need to get out of there, however I did receive a notice from the mortgage company, telling me if I got everything out of there within 30 days, they would pay me $2,500 to vacate. Even though I’ve been vacated for a year and a half lol. If I get everything out of there within 60 days, they will pay $1,500. Seems doable right? Not really. Still currently without a car, and I want to give habitat for humanity all the furniture but they’re backed up for about 6 weeks and can’t even come pick up stuff for free. Sigh. Will give it my best though, what can ya do. All I really care about is that my 500 year old cat is over here by the weekend.

Some good stuff, though. The Winter giveaway finally got launched, tehe . We’re letting it run until the 5th of Jan for those that are interested. Dan’s doing all the grunt work *snicker*. Also would be sweet of anyone to check out our new friends blog over at Whimsicality. BTW, this pic  is a Christmas Present we received from one of our favorite customers. She didn’t even tell us she was sending it, so sweet, so I had to share . Other neat stuff, my beloved Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels got fired, pretty excited about that, hoping for a better year next year. Other stuff, my plant! I love plants and the local City Market here is closing, so everything has been 25, 50, and 75 percent off. And of course instead of being smart and buying food, I buy plants! haha. Well anyway, there’s a story behind it, and it will bore you, but i’m going to tell it anyway.

Growing up in Denver, we’d come here to Grand Junction during the summers, so it’s always been a second home, and where I’m currently living, is a block away from where we’d live during the summers here, which is right next to the city market in question. Which as kids, we loitered and hung around and harassed people all the time, it was one of our favorite places. Couple weeks ago I was in there with a relative, and I saw this plant, there was quite a few of them, and I wanted one so bad because they’re so beautiful, but I wasn’t about to spend $29.99 on a plant with all the other financial stuff going on. Ok I would have… but I didn’t… have it on me lol. So I picked out the one I thought was the prettiest, and I looked at the tag and it was fused together so i had to rip it to read anything. Didn’t get it obviously, and that was that. Fast forward to last week, store’s closing, we went on the last day of the final 75% off sale.

I passed the nursery where the plants were and all that was there were some flowers and dead stuff. Went around back to look at the ceramic stuff cause I heart that junk too, and when I turned to leave, tucked behind all those flowers was one of those little plants left, the only one. His little planter tushy was cracked, so nobody wanted him. I picked him up, knowing fully well I was going to buy him, and when I went to read the tag I realized it was the same exact one I had picked out a few weeks before because it was the same tag I had torn. To me it was symbolic, because I was there with the person who most likely took me there for the first time 20 years ago, and it was like that little plant was waiting for me on my last visit there ever, lol. ( I know, shut up Jo ) So that’s the boring story. But isn’t he cuuuute? BTW, he’s a Hybrid Bromeliad. 

My concern is affording everything right now. I’m only upset about the fact I can’t pay certain people who have helped me, back right away, now. Other than that, oh well! Not going to cry over something I can’t do anything about anymore. I tried my best. BTW – Thank you to those that emailed me personally to see what was going on with all of this, was so sweet of you!

The giveaway site is up with the first giveaway, the goofy little milks people obsess over when they see one. They really are quite adorable, but i’m not going to waste a bunch of time plugging them here, so if you want to enter for yourself or your sister or daughter or whatever, go here. If not… hi! Would be sweet of you to tweet about it or something though. Really didn’t take that long to get that part of cute-stuffs.com up, it’s just procrastination really, that is always my setback, but i’m really good at it, so that counts for something haha. I have a few people who help with everything CS related though, and help me think.. because I get overwhelmed a lot when I have a lot to do, I fail at organized thinking. So yay for them! Also, the very big winter/holiday giveaway is coming up soon, yeah.. the one we’ve been talking about for 2 months. haha.

It’s started snowing here quite a bit, so pretty, but such a pain in the ass to walk in. It’s really strange how fast you adapt though. Everything really is a lot more awful in words and thought. Meaning, thinking about walking for 2 hours in 20 degrees sucks a lot more than walking in 20 degrees for 2 hours. Maybe that’s just what I tell myself? Or maybe knowing it’s inevitable makes it a little easier. Who knows. Anyway, short blog ( aren’t they always short?) because I have a lot to do today, I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving!

BTW - my broncos kicked ass last week!

Well, it’s been quite uneventful really, which I guess no news is good news. House deal never went though. Down to literally two weeks now before foreclosure. I’ve been talking to a few people, and the feedback I’ve been getting most, is to jsut stop trying to sell, and start selling everything IN it. Actually makes sense if you think about it. If they start foreclosure, it will buy me two months to get my stuff out of there, which I desperately need right now, since I have no car. But in addition to that, here’s the pro’s and con’s of both situations.

If I sell: I will make between $500-$2K, this is because the price I’m currently dropped to is about as low as I can go without actually owing on it. Pitiful, I know. Though I will then basically have to turn around and spend this money and most likely more out of pocket before I even receive it, to get movers and get all my things out of there in a hurry. This basically means breaking even, or again, owing. But the current mortgage / utilities, etc. will be off my back.

If I get foreclosed on: I will make $0, but I will owe realtors, the mortgage company, lawyers, and other misc. crap I’m sure they have in fine print somewhere tattoo’d on their asses. The pro’s though however, are that it will give me plenty of time to slowly get my stuff out of there, time to basically part the place out, i.e – remaining furniture, newer appliances such as glass range, newer fridge, wall mount microwave, and make a large chunk of money to pay off some people, and again, have the finances of the house and responsibilities in itself off my back. Basically just buying time and trying to keep my head above water a little longer.

Go team me.

I’ve felt super busy, I don’t even know why. But I love it . Probably due to my 4 hour a day walks cause my car is a failure haha. Still. Yup. It’s getting really cold here, at-least for this week. I’m worried about my feet because my shoes suck, and I have no boots, yet. Walking in this junk is murder on your feet if its wet outside, which it has been a lot lately. But, gotta do whatcha gotta do right? Could always be worse, or so i’m told. It’s my own damn fault, I’ve lived here my whole life and I consistently wait until the last minute to prepare for winter, no matter what’s going on. So much to do. Rawr.

Got an offer on the house, it’s 9k less than what i’m currently asking for it. Which, is not enough. Lowest I can go is 4k lower, just to break even, which my realtor has explained to these people. It’s already pretty much the lowest on the market right now, Economy is bad. I’ve dropped it almost 20k in the last 2 months, about 5k a week. I only have about 3 weeks left to get it under a contract, otherwise they will forclose, and I will owe the fees for that. So all i’m really trying to do is sell it enough to break even with the lawyer fees, the realtor, and the loans out on it at the moment, and pay a certain someone back. But it’s not looking like that’s going to happen, or at-least not with this situation. It is what it is, it just blows. One way or another though, I’ll get the extra expenses off my back once it’s gone. Only issue aside from this one with the house.. is a lot of my junk is still over there, and I have no car right now to go pack it up and bring it here to my house. Will be interesting to see how all this plays out, no, really, it will. If I can’t get what i’m currently asking or just below, forclosure won’t really matter, because the outcome will be the same financially. Sad panda.

Here’s a cute candycorn sprung from boredom. He loves you, just so you know. Click him to see bigger if ya wanna. Made Dan a stupid bunny with an additional 5 minute break too, so you can go see it on his blog.

The rundown, is that it will be 4-6 different lots to choose from, with categories such as san-x, sanrio, kawaii, etc. Or character specific, i.e My Melody, Kuromi, Hello Kitty, etc. Winner will get to choose which lot. Items in the photos for those individual lots will be just some of what may or may not be in the lot for that specific category reference, as it will be a mystery lot, however the winner is welcome to email us and let us know the items they looove so we can make sure to make it as perfect as we can. So for now, go enter!

We finally got a page up on facebook for the shop and feed for this blog. So be sweet and love it & then love this! We’d love more user submitted content guys if you’ve bought anything from us, send us pics! There’s a surprise in it for you. tehe. Any kind of input really, pictures, reviews, all that good stuffs. But we’d love to share what people have done with our stuff. Anyway, I’ll leave it at that. To those that have sent in emails, I am getting them and we are taking them to heart even if you haven’t received a reply from us yet, again, there’s only 2 of us so please be patient Again, you can subscribe here or follow us on twitter. This is also just my personal blog, so don’t forget you can always find the latest CS nonsense over HERE.

So this lady starts screaming because crickets are “flying” out of the ground where the weeds are coming up. I mean, she was flipping out. I loved it. I had no other reaction other than laughing hysterically. Well apparently that wasn’t very nice of me lol.  She then ran into the house and came out with 2 cans of oven cleaner and a can of raid and started spraying all over the place, talking to herself very loudly about how they’re not going to get in her house and the whole neighborhood is watching her have basically a meltdown. Then my friend asked her where her property line starts, and she pointed at the easement and said right there. Now, these weeds were on her side according to that little tidbit of info, and I said “why did I get a citation if these are on your property?” She told me ( by yelling at me ) that the previous owner always took care of it for her. I was thinking….”kay? and?” I certainly don’t mind helping my neighbors out, but not when they act like THAT, and one thing I can not stand with people is those who feel entitlement to stuff. Someone should have told me that she jsut expected me and whoever else lives here to take care of her yard too. So, I pulled most her weeds anyway, but I did inform her that it would have been nice of her to say something instead of just expecting every person that moves in here to take care of her weed problem without so much as a welcome to the neighborhood. She didn’t like that very much either. How does anyone think that illogically? & then complain about it? For the record, this is not a rental property. We bought it. Pull your own damn weeds. Kay?

This lady seemed nice initially, it’s a shame my only neighbor has to be a nut. So i’m taking my citation down and getting it reversed, and explain to them where the properties divide and what happened. Because according to this, it’s $350 if you don’t remove the weeds in a weeks time, and $150 anyway for them having to issue the citation, and it wasn’t my damn yard that had the problem to begin with. I’m not going to play nice if she won’t. I tried to do the respectable thing. Rawr. Will also be investing in some crickets from a pet store. Gotta make our own fun sometimes.

So for the giveaway, I think we have enough to go on by now. However if there’s something else let us know soon. Not positive when it is going to happen, just most likely within this month, so again if you want to keep tabs on it, subscribe to this blog or signup for CS newsletter here. Probably be a little random as far as products. I think it is more fun that way when you know what you’re getting, but also some surprises. I giveaways. Next blog however, will have the details ironed out, as we’re coming to an official conclusion on what to do. It’s going to be multiple choice, I think it will be interesting and different.

Which reminds me, the panda on the homepage of CS is going to come to life pretty soon. My friend made a 3D model of him and i’m going to make a few charms out of him. Will be one of a kind like the old original sugar cube cute-stuffs mascot guy. Which I want to make a few more of those too since they seemed to be a favorite.

On a sad note. My broncos are failing. Why. && Lookie what I got tonight.

I’ve been feeling…. . Maybe it’s me coming to terms with things, accepting that it is what it is, clearly never understanding, and certainly never going to be able to “get over it“, but knowing fully well I have to deal with it. Like I said in my last post, It’s all the unanswered questions that I struggle with and always will, that I want to hear from him, and not other peoples perspective on what he could have been thinking. I’d like to personally thank Marina and Moni for your input and thoughts. One thing said stuck with me in particular, that being: ” I never got over it, I just got used to it “. That’s the best I can hope for right now, I really appreciated that, because I needed a way to look at it differently. I’ve dealt with a lot of death already, ranging from illnesses to murder, even within my own family. Never anything like this. This powerful. It’s impossible to compare, because with other manners of death, the main focus is that the person is gone, and your grief is based on that, and missing them. With this, the focus is just a coagulation of unanswered questions, and the hurt and realization of the suffering that must have been taking place, and wondering, wondering, wondering. I’m not going to keep talking about this, it’s too stressful. Somehow I thought blogging about it initially would make me feel better, and it did.. in the sense of getting my thoughts out, and being able to share him. But i’m finding it nauseating coming to my own blog and seeing the title, and picture of MasterShake . So I need to close this chapter. I might further discuss it down the road when it isn’t so fresh. I think i’m trying to jsut block it out for now, and as unhealthy as that is… i’m hoping it works, for now. If this is confusing, read the previous post.

We are planning on doing a second giveaway with Jaebumfangirl , as the first one was a blast. However this time we’re asking for input on what items from the shop you would like to see be a part of it. We got feedback from the last giveaway itself already, we would just like to be able to get a few more requests before we decide. So if you feel up to it you can either leave a comment with your opinion or email us HERE. We were actually considering a small “lot” of items, since it’s nearing the holidays and what not, so also look for other people, as far as a possible gift, and not just something you’d like. If you’d like to keep tabs on when and where and other misc. details, just subscribe to be updated via email with future posts, or follow us on twitter. Sorry last time the blog came a little late with the details.

In other news. My friend Dan finished his dinner tonight. As he was leaving the restaurant, he saw some “pretty things” in a bowl. He picked one up, he then sniffed it. “It smells like peaches” he says. Must be be peach candy then, right? So, he ate it. It was an air freshener. Yeah. & he’s going to be an engineer. I don’t know about you, but I sure am optimistic about the future.

I met Shake a long time ago, we had a common interest, being a teenager, and being drawn to seeking help for misc. things teenagers deal with, both very different backgrounds ( some of you know a good bit about mine ) and extremely different ways of dealing with them. We hit it off immediately. We had the same dry sarcastic ways of looking at the world, and the ability to turn all of our negative emotions into something that made other people laugh. Healthy? Perhaps in the moment, as it temporarily made you laugh and smile, but certainly a downfall in the long run, because all that did was mask that there was a real serious issue underneath that thin layer of humor, and prohibited mental release. One that not many other people can read into. Shake was really funny, really sensitive, and extremely sweet. He didn’t have a bad bone in his body, never was his anger or pain directed at someone else. He only directed it at himself. He put himself down a lot, but of course, did this in a way that most people would think he was joking and just being funny or entertaining or silly. Unfortunately, he believed everything he said about himself, no matter how many people told him he was wrong. Shake had a rough time in highschool with being teased, and moreso than being teased, he felt ignored, left out, invisible. He was socially awkward, but it wasn’t because he was weird, he was just very very shy. Infact, upon becoming close to him, I’d have to say he was one of the most outgoing people i’d ever met. So easy to talk to, one of those people you can say anything to, and I mean anything. He had such a brightness about him, you could have the time of your life just spending 5 minutes with him. Why was it so hard for other people to see? I asked him that myself a few times. He blamed himself, saying he was too shy to approach people to be friends with them, and would somehow blame himself for other people not taking the time to get to know him. It was because he was awkward, it was because he was shy, it was ” because I suck “. He blamed himself for everything, and had every excuse in the book, never once did he blame anyone else for being a jerk and making him feel that way.

Shake was also one of the most intelligent people I knew, on the surface, he was seemingly so well put together. Especially for such a young kid. He could carry out some pretty incredible adult conversations, and offer wonderful insight into situations, and pull you out of your own emotional ruts. He cared so much about others. Why couldn’t he apply that love to himself? He had such a rational way of thinking when it came to other peoples issues, even if they mirrored his own. He helped so many people on a particular website, dedicated to kids & teens struggling with personal problems, even suicide.

Shake and I spent a lot of time talking, just talking, sometimes for hours and hours on end. Most of it was just playful banter. Other times it was serious. He hated discussing his own feelings, as did I. However over time I learned a lot about how he felt. I knew he was struggling on the inside, so did a few of our other friends / acquaintances. It was obvious, but it also wasn’t. It was difficult to determine how bad things really were with him, because he hid it well, especially with humor like I said. Sometimes you would just think he was simply an angsty frustrated teenager, because some days he was really really happy. Just kind of led you to believe once highschool was over, his life would be much different, because he often talked about how much he hated school, and how he couldn’t wait until he graduated and it was over. Still, there was a deeper issue. I asked him on more than one occasion why not try out therapy, or a counselor. He had every excuse available as to why to not go. His shyness, his unwillingness to talk about his problems. I would say “well, isn’t that the point?” I couldn’t understand why he could talk to me about them, but not someone who was better educated to help him and maybe figure out what could be done to make him feel better. I realize it was because he was comfortable with me, which is why now, upon realizing this, I feel as if I failed him. He always told me I was his angel. I don’t know if there’s anything I could have done to prevent this, but that’s what bothers me.

Shake and I had a falling out a couple years ago. I won’t be going into the details of the reasons, nor will I go into more details on how much he seemingly relied on me. But I will say that the reasons were very much uncalled for, which at the time, should have given me a better glimpse as to how unstable emotionally he really was. Because it really was a ridiculous reason to jsut end such a powerful friendship, it wasn’t anything I did, it wasn’t anything he did, it was just a circumstance and a change in our day to day life that he couldn’t stand. I didn’t want to bother him, or contribute to his anger / sadness, so I let him do his thing. I figured if he needed me, he knew where I was, since he came to me for everything. It wasn’t a horrible falling out ending, so I was confidant that he’d come to me if he had any problems. He never did.

Over the next few years, I had tried to contact him. As said, he wasn’t a very social person, so the whole myspace, facebook, & twitter junk was out of the question for him. I was well aware of this. He pretty much hated the internet. But I figured there had to be something. So when i’d think of him, i’d try to look him up, because his cellphone wasn’t active anymore. Keep in mind, we lived on opposite sides of the country. So I was pretty much restricted to google, I could have taken it a step further and did people searches and stuff, but I also didn’t want to be intrusive, nor did I see a need. Plus he was so young, there really arent many sites with information on teenagers contact info. So, i’d do a few searches, and never find anything. I’d put it off, thinking ” well, he finally got his life put together and is doing well, and I probably shouldn’t interfere with that anyway” convincing myself he was happy. I had this image in my head of him in a healthy happy relationship, possibly starting a family, just being happy, and I would think, “if he escaped his past finally, I don’t want to bring it back to him“, as I was part of it. He was out of his teens by now, so that meant he was out of school, so I was very optimistic about him, and it made me happy to THINK things were going well. I had no reason to believe otherwise.

Last tuesday, I was up at night, I signed onto my AIM messenger, and I saw Shake’s name. I decided to try to find him again, I wanted to surprise him. I was excited. So, I googled his name again, anticipating not finding anything, but this time willing to dig a little deeper, because I had more of a need this time to locate him, to see how he’s doing, knowing now that he’s an “adult” he might be easier to locate, etc. I found him. It was an online obituary. Just his name at first, no age or anytihng in the link, my heart sank, I thought, “maybe I shouldn’t click on this, it’s not him, it can’t be, there’s probably lots of people with this name“. I clicked it. It was him alright. It said he had passed earlier this year. My first thought was suicide. But I couldn’t believe myself, I couldn’t believe it came to me so fast. I couldn’t fathom it. There’s just no way. He’s supposed to be okay. The obituary said nothing, other than birthdate which I knew by heart unfortunately, because that was what confirmed it initially, which I was emotionally trying to avoid any semblance of confirmation that it was really him. Complete denial at first. The obituary didn’t give a manner of death, it just said that he died at home. It gave me a thin layer of hope that something else happened. Although I knew deep down it wasn’t true. But looking back on all the time spent together, all the things said, there were so many reasons to believe he wouldn’t have ever taken it this far. There was just no way. Yet, so many reasons to believe it was a possibility, but how can you know? How? When someone is so back and forth with joy and sadness. During one of our messenger chats, and during one of his many jokes about himself, some of which was just mean things he’d say about himself, other times joking about killing himself, I got angry at him and said “why do you talk like that, it isn’t funny :(“. ( I was more alarmed, but i’m condensing the conversations ) He got sad, because he had upset me, and he promised me he wasn’t that stupid and that he was just playing with me and it meant nothing, and then proceeded to tell me ” Don’t worry, I’ll grow old and have babies and die of ‘natural causes’ :)” And yes, he put quotes around natural causes. It made me feel better. Looking back on it, how fucking stupid of me not to dig deeper. I was young myself, but it’s no excuse. He was 16 at the time he said that. I don’t know if he said it to make me feel better, and didn’t mean it, or if he said it trying to convince himself and give himself hope. Such an ominous statement, especially given the circumstances now. I didn’t see it that way at the time.

I contacted Shake’s father on wednesday, very reluctantly, and he was hard to track down. But I needed to know how my fiend died, because again, I had that thin layer of hope I was wrong. Thursday evening I got an email from him. Confirming, His son did infact take his own life. I’m beyond devastated, and so filled with guilt. I feel like I should have been there, been more proactive in his precious life. What happened? What went wrong? What made him break that particular day? Why didn’t he reach out? How can he have had such a strong amount of courage to take his own life? How could anyone have such courage to die, but not to try living? Hardest thing for me right now, is knowing he wasn’t happy. Which is what I always believed these past few years of no contact with him. I believed he didn’t need me, and was going strong. He apparently had a job. He got up every day and performed this routine of going to work, functioning normally, what happened on that day? Knowing he was so sad, and hopeless, and filled with sorrow and despair, and lonely, enough to go through with such a thing… it’s shattered me. It’s just too much to swallow. I don’t really know how to cope with all of this. It’s mind numbing, needing all these questions answered, and knowing fully well that I will never know an answer to a single one of them. Shake believed in God, heaven, hell, etc. He also believed the classic ” If you kill yourself, you’ll go to hell “. Whether that’s true or not, ( I think it’s bullshit, God could never send a soul like that to hell ) is irrelevant, the fact remains, HE believed it. Which begs the question, how or why would he take that risk, how can you feel like a place such as the textbook version of hell is better than your own life. How sad must he have been? How tormented? If he was this sad, how could there not have been more signs, he was a relatively normal guy. I realize things could have, and most likely did get worse ( clearly ) as he became a man, and had to take on more responsibilities, and basically forced out into the real world, and I wasn’t there to see if it got significantly worse for him, or if he was that bad off from the beginning, I have to believe it got worse, because there’s no way he was the same Shake as when I knew him. He had too many happy moments. Right???? I just don’t know anything, and it’s too much. I’m not an idiot. I know this wasn’t “my fault“. I know I had no control over the situation, as it was probably inevitable to him, so I don’t need to hear that. But I can’t help feeling like maybe, just maybe things would have been different had we stayed in touch. 3 years later or not. Another thing that drives me up the wall about this whole situation, is he was so angry and sad about feeling lonely, feeling like nobody cared about him back in the day. There was virtually NOTHING anywhere about his death. Or his life. No trace of Shake. As if he didn’t exist. Well this fucking pisses me off. It’s as if his fears and suspicions were right. Where the hell is everyone who was part of his life? Where’s all the people who cared? Why is there nothing from anyone saying a kind word about him? He was a damn good kid, heart of gold, and I find the whole situation disgusting. It disgusts me to where i’ve been physically ill these past few days. He deserved and deserves so much better. Everyone does. He did exist, and he is priceless.

In conclusion. Don’t bother replying if you have one sentence to say. “I’m so sorry“. No thank you. Please just take the time to reflect a little and think about your own fiends and relationships with those around you. Treat everyone with respect, you never know how someone feels, you never know if you’re going to be the person who pushes that someone just enough to where they’ve been maxed out. It’s the only thing I have to hold onto, knowing how much I loved & love him, knowing I added a little something positive to his life, knowing I made him feel cared about. But I also can’t help feeling like I contributed to his sadness in some ways, which will burden me for the rest of my life.

He often thanked me for loving him. I thanked him for loving me. He would say it was extra special that I loved him, because “I didn’t have to“, as I was not a parent or relative. Let everyone you care about, know that you care. Let everyone you don’t know, know that you care, just by being kind, something as simple as a smile to a stranger. People need to know they matter. Kindness is free, and the easiest thing to give, and it can mean the world to someone.